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So, you wake up one morning, your knee is killing you, and your mom needs her post-surgery checkup. You have insurance. You pay for it. You should be fine, right?
Wrong. Because while you were sleeping, two corporate behemoths decided to play a game of chicken, and they’re using your healthcare as the car.
As of October 1st, Ascension Wisconsin and UnitedHealthcare have officially broken up. Their contract expired, and now thousands of people in Wisconsin with UnitedHealthcare plans—commercial, Medicaid, the whole lot—are suddenly "out-of-network." That’s corporate-speak for "get ready to pay a fortune."
I saw one local news clip where they talked to a woman whose mom just got out of surgery. She goes to Ascension for her checkups. Had she heard about this? Nope. Not a clue. She was panicked. And why wouldn't she be?
This is the part that gets me. The absolute gall of these companies.
Translating the Ransom Notes
Translating the Corporate Garbage
Let’s look at the press releases, shall we? It’s a masterclass in saying nothing while trying to sound like the good guy.
Ascension Wisconsin says UnitedHealthcare is not offering "fair, sustainable rates that reflect today's dramatic financial realities." They whine about "unprecedented inflation" and rising costs.
My translation: "Pay us more money. A lot more."
Then you’ve got UnitedHealthcare. They call Ascension’s demands "unsustainable." They claim they’re proposing "market-competitive rates" to "slow the unsustainable rise in health care costs."
My translation: "We’re not paying you more money. Our shareholders wouldn't like that."
Both sides, offcourse, claim they’re deeply, deeply concerned about the patients. They "recognize this change may be disruptive." Disruptive? My mortgage payment being late is disruptive. Losing access to the hospital and doctors you’ve trusted for years, especially when you’re sick, isn't "disruptive." It’s a crisis manufactured for profit.
This is just a typical contract dispute. No, 'typical' doesn't cover it—this is a calculated act of cruelty against people at their most vulnerable.
Your Health is Just a Bargaining Chip
Your Health is a Line on a Spreadsheet
I swear, trying to deal with these companies is a trip into the abyss. The other day I was just trying to find a simple explanation of benefits. I ended up on some godforsaken unitedhealthcare medicare advantage login page that kept looping me back to the start. So I tried calling the unitedhealthcare medicare advantage phone number on my card and spent twenty minutes listening to hold music that sounded like a dying Casio keyboard, only to be told I had the wrong department. This is the system that’s supposed to manage life-and-death decisions? Give me a break.
And now, right in the middle of this chaos, we get the big announcement about the shiny new unitedhealthcare medicare advantage plans 2026. It's all so cynical. They'll push their new plans, maybe an AARP unitedhealthcare medicare advantage option or a fancy new unitedhealthcare medicare advantage ppo, promising the world. But what good is any of it if they can just pull the rug out from under you at a moment's notice because some executives in a boardroom couldn't agree on a number?
It ain't about your health. It never was. It's about leverage. Ascension has the hospitals. UnitedHealthcare has the patients. They’re both squeezing each other, and we’re the ones getting crushed in the middle. They both claim they're still at the bargaining table, which is supposed to be reassuring, but...
What happens to the guy who needs his chemo at an Ascension cancer center? Or the family whose pediatrician is part of Ascension Medical Group? They’re told to just find someone else. Like it’s that easy. Like there isn't a history, a trust, a relationship there.
Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe these are genuinely complex negotiations with razor-thin margins and I just don't get it.
Nah. I saw UnitedHealth Group’s profit for last year. They’re doing just fine. So is Ascension. This is about greed, plain and simple.
The House Always Wins
In the end, it doesn't really matter who "wins" this fight in Wisconsin. The bill, one way or another, always comes to us. They fight over billions, and we’re left scrambling to figure out if our next doctor’s visit will bankrupt us. They’ll eventually sign a deal, issue a joint press release about their "shared commitment to the community," and raise our premiums next year to cover the cost. The system isn't broken. It's working exactly as designed.
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