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Alright, let's get this straight. Hims & Hers, the purveyors of online "wellness," just dropped their Q3 numbers. Nearly $600 million in revenue, subscribers up, the whole shebang. Sounds great, right? Like they're curing cancer one click at a time.
Numbers Game or Real Growth?
But hold on a damn minute. We're talking about a company that built its name on... well, let's just say addressing very specific male anxieties. Now they're "broadening access to personalized care"? What does that even MEAN? It's corporate buzzword bingo at its finest.
Subscribers are up 21%. Okay, not bad. But monthly online revenue per subscriber? That's where things get interesting. $80. So, people are spending more each month. Are they getting healthier, or are they just impulse-buying more stuff they don't need? I'm guessing it's the latter.
And this Adjusted EBITDA nonsense? Please. It's net income with a bunch of stuff conveniently removed to make the numbers look better. It's like saying your house is clean after you shoved all the junk in the closet.
Gross margin down from 79% to 74%. That's a five point drop. What's going on there, exactly?
Wegovy: Second Chance or Same Old Scam?
Then there's this whole thing with Novo Nordisk. Remember when that deal blew up because Novo accused Hims of "illegal mass compounding and deceptive marketing?" Yeah, good times.
Now they're "in active discussions" again? Are you kidding me? It's like watching two toddlers fight over a toy, only to team up five minutes later to destroy something else. According to Hims rises on revenue beat, discloses it’s again in partnership talks with Novo, Hims is looking to revive this partnership.
Hims needs Wegovy, let's be real. Their core business is slowing, and weight-loss treatments are where the money is... offcourse, if they can actually get their act together this time. Are they going to play nice this time or are they going to try to scam people with compounded drugs again?
And what’s this “longevity” specialty coming next year? Are they going to start selling elixirs of youth next? I swear, if I see one more ad promising to "optimize my life," I'm throwing my computer out the window.
Speaking of ads... their marketing budget is insane. $232 million in Q3 alone. That's more than some small countries spend in a year. Are they actually improving people's health, or are they just really good at manipulating our insecurities?
International Expansion: World Domination or Just More Red Tape?
Oh, and they're expanding internationally? Brazil, the UK, Germany, Australia... sounds ambitious. But have they even figured out how to navigate the regulatory nightmares in the US yet? I'm not holding my breath.
They acquired Zava for $265.7 million. Another European peer. I'm sure that'll go smoothly. Mergers always do, right?
Then again, maybe I'm just being cynical. Maybe Hims & Hers is actually revolutionizing healthcare. Maybe they're truly committed to making people healthier and happier.
Nah, who am I kidding? It's all about the Benjamins.
So, What's the Real Play Here?
Look, it's a business. They're gonna chase whatever trends make them money. I ain't even mad, I'm just tired of the fake "we care about your well-being" act. Just sell your stuff and leave me alone.